History of Native Americans before conquest. In a nutshell.

 

Native American Histories Before Conquest

Twenty thousand years ago, there was an ice age.

PALEO INDIANS: I’ve got a brilliant idea! Let’s walk across a giant snowy land bridge to reach a continent that we don’t even know exists!

Eight thousand years and a heck of a lot of frozen Paleo-Indians later…

PALEO INDIANS: Oh no! Global warming is killing off the wooly mammoths. After all, their being dead must have nothing to do with the fact that we’ve been slaughtering and eating them for eight thousand years. We’d better start an agricultural revolution and grow vegetables.

VEGETABLES: Crap.

Native America started making tons of impressive cities, presumably to attract European tourists. Ironically, the Anasazis “mysteriously” disappeared just before the Europeans arrived. Yep. The Europeans just missed them. Totally a coincidence. No potential mass murder here…

According to the textbook, the Aztecs “an aggressive, warlike people” conquered a bunch of cities and “ruled by force”. The book goes on to say that “before the arrival of white settlers, Indian wars were seldom very lethal,” leading us all to wonder how violent a group has to be for the textbook writers to consider them lethal.

A few years later, Columbus attempted to sail off the edge of the world, but being the incompetent sailor that he was, missed and ended up in the Bahamas. He called the people Indians, paving the way for political correctness complications everywhere.

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Published in: on November 21, 2009 at 1:11 am  Leave a Comment  

Dicks…?

Well, I said I’d do it, so I will. As requested: Dicks.

1. Most political pundits

2. Anyone who spends all their time fighting for people at Walmart to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

3. Anyone who spends all their time fighting for people at Walmart to say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.”

4. People who make it look like a drink is diet by putting “green tea” and “acai berry” on the label, when the thing is full of sugar and will cause you to gain ten pounds

5. Whoever came up with the acai berry thing

6. People that ride in motorcycle gangs

7. The Duck and Cover turtle from the 60’s

8. Whoever canceled Futurama

    Published in: on November 19, 2009 at 11:59 pm  Leave a Comment  

    The Middle East. In a Nutshell.

    In a Nutshell is exactly what it sounds like. I take big topics and boil them down to basically what they are about. For example, the conflict in the Middle East is a pretty big shenanigan, right? Not if you look at it like this:

    The Jews want land.

    The Muslims also want land. The same land.

    Both Jews and Muslims have weapons.

    Shenanigans ensue.

    There you go. You now know about the conflict in the Middle East. Just kidding. My posts are usually slightly longer.

    How do I choose what to describe in a nutshell, you ask? That’s where you come in. You make comments, suggesting what topic I cover next. I then cover the topic. That’s it in a nutshell.

    Published in: on November 19, 2009 at 4:05 am  Comments (1)